April is Child Abuse Awareness Month.

The new documentary on actress Brooke Shields came out this week, and she goes into great detail about how damaging her past was. She was sexualized at a very young age and was only eleven years old when she starred in the movie Pretty Baby. This was a movie about her growing up in a house of prostitution, and she was sold off to the highest bidder to take her virginity. She speaks about how she was forced to kiss a fellow actor who was twenty-nine years old at the time. The premise of this movie oozes with such inappropriate behaviors, that any young child actor/actress, would be traumatized.  

I felt a close connection to this story, because during the time frame that it came out (1978), it triggered me profusely for a variety of reasons. At that time in my life, I was a twelve-year-old girl who had already been through years of child abuse. My mother’s issues with mental illness always had many horrible moments of highly sexual innuendoes, and poor decision making. I was on the ladder end of the poor decision making, and it put me in harm’s way countless times. Unfortunately, due to my mother’s poor choice in judgment, I was eventually sexually abused by someone she brought into our home.

This movie has stuck with me for years, and I even reference it in my new book that will be coming out this year. I named a short story about my experience, “Pretty Baby” because I felt like I was on display for all to see in a very inappropriate and sexual manner.

Pretty Baby

When words are not what they sound like!  

When you hear “pretty baby,” what comes to mind?  I would think of something soft, sweet, and beautiful. It could be a new born baby, a delicate flower, or a puppy. All of these analogies sound happy and lovely.

The reality, Pretty Baby, is the title of a small story from my past, that is not so pretty. This short story will be featured in my next book, The Book of Joann. This is my mother’s life story and her struggles with mental illness.  

This is an example from my childhood, and it gives you a great description of what dysfunction looks like and feels like, when you grow up with a parent who is mentally struggling.

I share this story for purpose. This is proof of what can happen when the parent or guardian does not get the proper help and support that they need. The dysfunction and clouded lack of judgement falls upon the children.

This moment in time was horrific for me. I had to deal with so many unspeakable situations throughout my young life.

As you read this passage, imagine being that young girl (or boy) at the tender age of twelve years old. This is a time in a young person’s life when everything starts to change. This is when our confidence levels are either lifted or drowned in disaster. During this time in a young teen’s life, they are self-conscious, awkward, and trying to figure out their worth.

These types of experiences that I am sharing with you, leave kids, damaged, confused and riddled with low self-esteem.

This story can be triggering.

PRETTY BABY: When Things Would Turn Inappropriate

Joann had many friends. She hated to be home for too long so she would always make plans to visit people. She had a childhood friend Pat. Joann and Pat had a long history together, as they were best friend throughout their teen years right on into adulthood.

They always stayed in touch, as they both married and had children around the same time frame. There were many family gatherings together. After the passing of Jon (Joann’s son), it was hard to visit Pat at times because she had two beautiful healthy sons.

When Joann was in her mania state (the high), she would talk quite quickly, and her thoughts would gravitate towards vulgar language and sexual innuendoes. This is something her and Pat had in common, when Joann was in this mode.

Pat also had her own highs and lows, and they would feed off of each other’s energy and behaviors.

During one visit to Pat’s home, there was an inappropriate incident that left Lisa quite upset.

It was a cold day in mid-January. There was snow on the ground, and the children did not have school. Lisa was happily playing alone in her room. At this time, she was twelve years old. Lisa loved to play with her barbie dolls and spent countless hours with them, as her imagination took her to faraway places. 

Her home had turned into a festering pool of dysfunction, and this was a great way to distract herself from the reality of her home life.

“Lisa, Lisa, come into the kitchen now!” yelled her mother. Lisa rolled her eyes and pretended not to hear her, but she continued to bellow, so Lisa knew she had to go see what was going on.

As she steps into the kitchen, there is her mother sitting at the kitchen table. What a sight she was. Her hair was teased up extremely high, and her face was loaded with makeup. Her blue eye shadow was so bright and thickly applied that you could see it from down the hallway.  

Lisa knew exactly what that meant. Her mother was off on a manic high again. Slowly she approached her mother waiting to see what type of reaction she would get.

“Oh, look at you all in your room playing with your dolls, where they f$&***g?”

Lisa’s eyes grew wide, and her tummy felt sick. 

“Common Lisa, can’t you take a joke,” and she laughed uncontrollably. Lisa just stood there watching her mother become so big and animated, as the smoke from her cigarette floated out of her mouth.

“We are going to Pat’s house. Go get yourself ready!” 

“I do not want to go mom. I want to stay home and play,” Lisa stated. 

“Well, we are not staying home. You can go play with the boys, maybe even kiss each other,” Joann said sheepishly with a big grin. 

“Ewwwe Mom stop, I don’t kiss boys,” agued Lisa. 

“You will someday and even have lots of sex. Should we talk about sex Lisa?” 

“NO mom, let’s not. I will go get ready.” As Lisa turned to walk back down the hall, she could hear her mom singing crazy songs, and she just shakes her head.

As they make their way outside, the snow was fairly deep, and the winter winds were blowing. The road was slippery, and the ride over to Pat’s house was quite eventful. When Joann was revved up, she felt like she was on top of the world, and no snowstorm was going to slow her down. She sped through the streets like a banshee, almost side swiping a car or two along the way. Lisa held on for dear life, terrified that they were going to get killed. 

“Slow down mommy. You are driving too fast,” said Lisa. 

“Don’t tell me what to do you little bitch. I am in charge of this show,” protested Joann, who was now instantly angry. She then proceeded to backhand Lisa across the face so hard that Lisa’s head felt like it was spinning. She began to cry as Joann berated her for being such a baby.

This horrible scenario had become routine in Lisa’s life, as Joann continued to spiral out of control over the past few years since her son’s death. She would fall into deep depressions, be put on medications, and then she would take herself back off so she could feel the highs of life as she called them. Those highs (manic episodes) were dangerous on many levels.

They made it to Pat’s house in one piece and were greeted at the door, with big smiles and warm hellos. Pat notices the mark on Lisa’s face and looks at her sympathetically, but does not acknowledge it.

Once inside, the energy level begins to heighten. The children are instructed to go to the playroom, and Pat brought them snacks and drinks. Pat had two boys, Greg and Donny. Greg was the same age as Lisa, and Donny was two years younger. As the kids happily played games together, Joann and Pat sat at the table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.

Lisa could hear her mother’s uncontrollable laughter from the other room but tried to ignore it. Her voice triggered so many emotions inside of her, many of them she could not even describe or truly understand. 

Greg turned to Lisa and said, “Boy your mom is crazy. I thought my mom was crazy, but your mom is much worse.” 

Lisa was annoyed and told him to shut up. Donny giggled at the two of them.

“Oh, isn’t that sweet. The two love birds are fighting.”

 Lisa turned her head in embarrassment as it was her mother standing in the doorway. “Lisa, I have the best idea. Remember the movie Pretty Baby, with Brook Shield’s?”

“Yes, why,” said Lisa.

“I have a great idea. Let re-enact that scene when they were getting her all washed up before she was sold and lost her virginity! Pat is running a bath for you right now with some bubbles. You said you always loved her bathtub. Now you get a chance to use it.”

Lisa is sickened by the thought of what was about to happen. 

“NO, Mom, I am not doing that,” Lisa argued with her mother, adamant about not budging. 

Joann marched over to her and demanded that she get up and go to the bathroom where she strip down and get into the tub. The boys were looking at her mother in disbelief.

Lisa started to cry, “Mom please don’t make me do it.”

“You will do as I say right now. Let’s go.” 

Lisa got up slowly and made her way to the bathroom. She felt so sick like she was going to throw up. She could hear her mother say to the boys, “You wait here. We will call you in when we are ready for you”.

When Lisa stepped into the bathroom, her friend Pat had lit some candles and the essence of sexuality stunk up the place. These two women before her eyes were so emerged in the moment it was horrifying, and Lisa was totally disgusted. They both chatted about the movie and instructed Lisa to get naked immediately to play out the scene. She silently did as she was told, as they continued to talk about her tight little body.

Lisa was humiliated and embarrassed as she quickly jumped in the tub filled with bubbles to hide herself. They both instructed her to wash herself, and Pat sprayed perfume in the air. It was a cross between rose pedals and gardenias. It smelled beautiful, and Lisa closed her eyes for a moment and began to float away. Their voices became distant to her, and it felt like she was walking among flowers in a beautiful field as the sun shined brightly upon her. In this moment she felt total peace.

“Come on in boys for your viewing pleasure,” sang Joann in a loud voice, snapping Lisa back into the reality of her true situation. 

When Lisa opened her eyes, not only was her mom and Pat standing in the bathroom, but now Greg and Donny were too. Lisa wanted to die right there, as the boy’s ogled her naked body with their eyes. 

“Wow” said Donny this is awesome!!!”  

Greg, on the other hand, had the same embarrassed look on his face like Lisa did.

“Mom, I need to get out of here,” Greg stated. 

“Now, now Greg, this is your future wife, and you will get to take her virginity, look at your prize,” Joann stated proudly.  “Do you want a quick feel of your future?”  

“Mom stop, stop it,” Lisa screamed. 

Greg ran out of the room, dragging his reluctant brother behind him. 

“Oh Ok,” said Pat. “I think we are done here for now. Let’s let Lisa enjoy her bath.”

Joann shot Lisa a look of displeasure but agreed with Pat. They went off into the other room, but before Pat shut the door, she peeked her head back in and said, “Lisa take as long as you would like sweety,” and she shut the door.

Lisa was frozen in fear and furious at the same time. She did not want to move, but her anger burned as she could hear her mother’s voice coming from the other room talking about big dicks and sex with Pat.

“Sure, enjoy my bath,” Lisa said out loud, mocking these women who were supposed to protect her, not shame her and throw her to the wolves!

This incident left her traumatized, shamed, and feeling extremely dirty.

*The movie Pretty Baby was about a young girl who grew up in a house of prostitution and was auctioned off to the highest bidder. The first man to take her virginity. In the movie she was a eleven-year-old girl.

That is exactly how Lisa felt in that moment.

This is a disturbing example from my past, and one that truly traumatized me for years to come. No child should ever have to endure these types of experiences in their young lives.

Listening to Brooke Shields talk about how she felt during that time in her life, mirrored my thoughts and feelings as well.

Her statement, “I do not know how I made in out alive,” a quote she made during the documentary speaking about the years she was sexualized and eventually sexually assaulted as a young adult.

I connect with this quote, as I do not know how I made it out alive.

We need to do better for our children and protect them, not victimize them. 

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month, and we should be aware 365 days a year.

Boys and Girls Are Abused Every day – So Why The Controversy As To What Gender Is More Abused?

With Child Abuse Awareness Month coming up in April, there seems to be a peak in conversation about who is the more abused sex. Why are the statistics lower for boys than girls?

I did a little bit of research and spoke to several men who were abused as children. There were a variety of reasons that they disclosed to me about not stepping up and reporting the abuse. The reasons were very similar to the women I spoke to, but the difference in response via the boys was this.

Response:

As young boys growing up, we are taught to be tough and told repeatedly that there will be no tears that is for “sissy’s” or “girls.” Your masculinity is everything you are supposed to embrace as a young boy growing up into manhood. Your sexuality should be applauded if you lose your virginity at a young age, and if your partner (a women) is older, a prize should be given for this achievement! If you are touched by a man, you are automatically “Gay.” This is a total game changer in the mind of a young boy trying to understand his role in life. These are the STIGMAS placed upon them, and when abuse occurs, all of these thoughts come rushing forward. These powerful statements and expectations ultimately stop them dead in their tracks when it comes to speaking up! Who wants to be viewed less than manly?

That is a lot to take in when you think about abuse from a gender perspective.

When girls are abused, it is viewed a bit differently because again society has placed all these STIGMAS upon each gender and the role they are supposed to play out in our society. If you go back in history all the way to the biblical times, women are viewed as the weaker sex and the man is supposed to protect them every step of the way.

The reality is that when a child is abused, it does not matter the gender—they are children. Innocent children caught up in a world of dysfunction and mayhem that was never supposed to be. So, when we advocate for child abuse, it is about the proper term “children,” not boy or girl.

With that being said, how do we bring the statistics up to reality?

How do we make it a safe place for young boys and men to be able to step into the light and speak about their abuse without being ridiculed?

How do we break the STIGMA?

We begin by talking about it. We embrace the idea that child abuse is happening all over the world, and if we stay silent, nothing changes.

We need to be kinder and more aware of what is happening in our own community and create a safe space for men to finally step forward and say the words out loud. We all need validation to the harsh reality of what happened to us as children and young adults.

These men are not weak. They are strong, vigilant soldiers that continue to march in the battle of unspoken truths, stigmas, and bitter silence.

With more men slowly coming forward passionately proclaiming their rightful place, they are paving the way for young boys to be able to raise their voices. Men have an opportunity here to mentor our youth in a way that women cannot. They can show them that the strength of a man can be measured with courage to speak the truth without the wrath of society. Man can finally be accepted and not looked down upon for things that they had no control over. Lastly, they can show them that you can still move forward in life with pride and dignity, as they offer love and kindness to others. Violence is not the way.  

It all starts with sharing your story!

The more men step forward, we will see a shift in static numbers, and you will find that it will be a more balanced percentage.

As for young girls and women who have been abused, they do not get off easy either! Again, the stigma of name calling “slut” or “whore” are often used by people who do not know the “dirty secrets” that have been held so deeply out of shame and embarrassment.

Abuse does not let anyone off the hook easy and the fact that there are people out there who view abuse as “not that bad for some” or “get over it, as it could have been worse” is not the responses that we should ever hear. 

We need to shift our focus on change, education, and raising our next generation of children with a new mindset of gender equality, acceptance, and diversity. There is a lot of work to be done, but it is possible to save many young lives, change perspectives, and draw more awareness to these difficult subjects.

Let us create change together instead of battling about the more abused sex because the bottom line to all of what is happening in the word needs to change point blank! 

Our children deserve better. They deserve a strong foundation to build upon, and a safe place to do it.

The abused adult deserves a strong support system, and a safe place to disclose the abuse that they were subjected to. This is where the healing journey can finally begin.

If we are going to help anyone, education and awareness is a must. We need to continue to speak up and break the silence once and for all.

I understand that we all have different views about what has happened in our world, and what should happen next. 

I believe the most important thing that we should all agree upon is that our children deserve to be safe and we need to stop child abuse once and for all.

We can make a difference if we step up, and step in.

Embrace the Journey.

Written by: Lisa Zarcone

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Check out www.jimhopper.com

Child Abuse – Facts about Sexual Abuse of Boys

Prevent Child Abuse.org –    Talking about Sexual Abuse of boys and the lack of reporting 

How much do we know about it? 

Sexual abuse of boys is common, underreported, under-recognized, and under-treated. Sexual abuse of girls has been widely studied, leading to awareness of the risk factors and prevalence. Unfortunately, there have been relatively fewer studies done on sexual abuse of boys, leading to inadequate knowledge about the facts related to this topic. Some of the studies that are available have a high degree of subjectivity, poor sampling techniques, and poor designs with few control elements.¹ Underreporting is a result of many issues.⁴ Boys are less likely than girls to report sexual abuse because of fear, the social stigma against homosexual behavior, the desire to appear self-reliant (boys grow up believing that they should not allow themselves to be harmed or talk about painful experiences)⁴, and the concern for loss of independence.¹ Furthermore, evidence suggests that one in every three incidents of child sexual abuse are not remembered by the adults who experienced them, and that the younger the child was at the time of the abuse, and the closer the relationship to the abuser, the more likely one is that the child will not be able to recall the event.²

DO SOMETHING 

Do Something.org – Statistics – 11 Facts About Child Abuse 

1. Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse.[1]
2. 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.[2]
3. 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.[3]
4. In 2012, 82.2% of child abuse perpetrators were found to be between the ages of 18-44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25-34.[4]
5. In the United States, more than 4 children die from child abuse and neglect on a daily basis. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.[5]
6. Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate.[6]
7. 2.9 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the United States.[7]
8. Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violence crime.[8]
9. About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.[9]
10. 14% of all men and 36% of all women in prison were abused as children.[10]
11. Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs. They’re also 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy.

How to Move Forward When You Have Been Blinded!

Narcissist – Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.

There it is the description of a narcissist! As this is a mental health issue, the damage runs even deeper than the description. As the person who is struggling lashes out at all the people around them, that is when the abuse happens. Living with someone who has this disorder can be impossible, as they consume every ounce of your being. 

Children living with a narcissistic parent/guardian, grow up with a multitude of internal struggles and issues. If they are not addressed properly, the pattern of abuse continues to happen. The cycle lives on, and it becomes generational.

As an adult in a relationship with a Narcissist; it can become deadly. The abuser slowly beats down their companion to a place of a clouded existence. They always have a game plan to gain the upper hand and ultimate control, in a completely dysfunctional environment. This is where the narcissist thrives, and feels almighty and powerful. The victim succumbs to the abuse, and becomes the enabler in a game of cat and mouse. 

This pattern of abuse will continue on for years if not stopped. The abuse that starts out as verbal and emotional, ultimately becomes physical! The worst-case scenario is “death by a narcissist”. After they take your identity, dignity and self-worth, some go to the ultimate extreme. They take a life.

Ask yourself this question – If you were in a relationship like this how much would you be willing to take? That is a very loaded question, because once the abuse takes hold you do not have clarity any more.

What about the narcissist is there any hope for them? That answer comes with a mixed bag of reviews.

If the person who is struggling mentally does not get the help that they need (therapy, medications, etc.), they will never change their ways. It is so far imbedded into them, and they do not see the reality of what is happening. They may have moments of stating, “Yes, I have an issue that needs to be addressed” to “You are the problem, not me”. There is no balance. You cannot rationalize with a narcissist.

So, what do you do? I have to say the answer I hear most often is “RUN”, as fast as you can, or you may not make it out alive.

POWERFUL! We, must look at our relationships in our lives, and if they are negative, hurtful or dysfunctional, we must make the decision to help ourselves, and cut ties. This can be a long and painful process, but one that is necessary to save yourself from further trauma, abuse and heartache.

Self-work and self-care are a must to overcome and heal from such horrific situations.

Do you have a narcissist in your life? If so, what are you going to do about it?

Food for thought!

THE NARCISSISTS WAY

I am beaten and broken by the words placed upon me as the voice of detest rolls

Across your lips branding me with darkness.

Those words that you spew repeatedly keeping me in my place afraid to move forward

Frozen in time doing the dance of a puppet you being the puppet master, me being lost

In this natural disaster of what is to be a relationship controlled by you the ultimate Master.

Sly and sleek you have slithered on in unsuspecting cultivating my sin. My mighty savior you claim to be but control is the dirty reality.   The words of comfort start out nice but like a light switch it has turned to fright as you come in like a thief in the night gaining control no end in sight.

In the blink of an eye, you turned on me making it seem as if I’m crazy. With the rhythm and rhyme of your twisted words you make sure that I am never heard.  What a calculating game you play planning out each move every step of the way.   How was I so blind that I could not see the evil villain standing in front of me.

He played on my weakness, my tainted soul picking me out of my pool of defeat, then beating me down like 

A slug on the street.

How did I get here, why is it me do I have a label your entry is free…?  Free to kick me when I was down, and dragging my lost carcass across the ground to that very place where I rest my head, am I better off dead?

It’s time to change the name of this game turn the tables on the narcissist way, fighting back for the very first time handing you back your rhythm and rhyme!   I will emerge from the ashes of disaster and spew your words my own puppet master!

I am claiming my rights once and for all and nothing gives me more pleasure than to see you fall.  Drop to your knees and beg for your rights and see how it is to deal with that Thief in the night.

Time for me to take my personal flight onto freedom as it is my right!

Lisa Zarcone